evameyerkeler

in this short performance/excersize i walked through the space and did several physical gestures all the while shaking my arms which are covered with loud dangling bracelets while reading a text. the text combined daily routine descriptiona, which i read out, followed at the end of which one by a repetition of the sentence 'i embody everything you most hate and fear'.

for me, this particular sentence is a strong statement in expressing one's otherness in society. i wanted to combine it with a normal mundane description of everyday activities and see the result, as experienced by the crowd.

I finally woke up after sleeping for 10 hours. I slept with my dress on. I was shaking for about an hour in bed. I pushed the alarm buzzer 6 times before getting up.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

My mind started racing over things that need to be done today, this week, in the next two months. I have a meeting to prepare for tonight, and one tomorrow morning.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

I go to the computer to write an email to confirm it. Instead of opening my mail I open facebook to look at the route of of this Saturday’s gay pride march.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

There’s some debate about why the alternative gay pride in kreuzberg is too commercial and shouldn’t be supported. I open the facebook page of an Israeli friend of mine who participated in the online debate.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

She wrote a status equating the mega-facsist Israeli independence day festivities to experiencing the world cup in Germany when Germany plays and her downstairs neighbors yell heil hitler. I comment on that post. Then I remember that I still have a meeting to confirm via email.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

I go to make coffee. I throw the old coffee beans out and realize that the package-recycling part of the trash needs to be taken out. I say to myself ‘ill do it later’. I wait for the coffee to be ready and sit by the computer again.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

I’m reading a text from a lecture I attended about post colonial justice and berlin, and riots. My coffee is ready. Then I jump to texts written by and about Adrian piper. In between I think about my former boyfriend. I start to shake.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

In between reading about Adrian piper I check my former boyfriend’s facebook wall. Considering that we are still in contact, I wonder if to tell him that if he fucks this girl he’s around who was my friend and stabbed me, I’ll stop talking to him.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

dear walid. I decided that our current relationship hurts me and catches me at weak points rather than being empowering. So I want to end it for now. No wait. I decided not to be in contact with you any more. Please stop contacting me. I formulate this in my head several times over coffee, but never send this text message.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

I write a facebook post about the world cup and gay pride. I drink some coffee, then check how many people liked it.

I embody everything you most hate and fear.

in testing out what's understood from the performance, here are the notes i took as my and others' reaction to it:

i was wondering if my text could even be heard through the noise of the bracelets and the fact that i wasn't facing the audience

there is a moment of tryout and reveal - being vulnerable in front of an audience rather than strong or confrontational

the sound/motion of the bracelets comes off as ritualistic performative behavior, rather than say, a cover-up for the text

people did understand the contradiction between ordinary and banal actions and an alienating statement

however, people do not have the context with which to understand the statement 'i embody everything..' - so this was not understood in political terms.

the contradiction between the banality of everyday life and fragility was understood.